Okay, this is my blog to write whatever the hell I'm thinking or feeling during the week. I don't think anyone will read it, but if they do that's their problem.
Okay, work is work. I go, I get paid, I leave. It's a just a place to make money. It brings me no enjoyment or pleasure. It is something that pays the bills. It's a shame that's how I feel about it, but I do.
I've been talking to DL about the things she's going through with her husband. He is very emotionally abusive towards her. He tells her that she doesn't deserve respect. He calls her names and bullies her. I fee so sorry for her because she doesn't want to live like that any more. She knows that conflict is the only thing that will bring about change, but she's afraid of conflict. She's afraid that if she engages in conflict people (her family) won't love her.
She has four people in her house who don't want her to change. They want her unhappy and miserable. They rarely show her love and never respect. I've told her that her kids would die if I could take over her body for a day. They would be completely horrified by some of the things I would say to them. I'd probably tell them that somebody should have beat their asses when they were younger. Her girls are spoiled brats who have no clue what the real world is like. They are in for a rude awakening when they go out into the real world.
She's getting better about standing up for herself. For example, her oldest daughter asked if her boyfriend could come live with them. She didn't tell her how long he would be living there. She said he couldn't get a place of his own because he'd just bought a new truck and a new boat. He wanted to get all his toys before he settled down. He is very irresponsible. She hasn't spoken to her mother since Tuesday when she said no.
I was telling her that just because people get angry or upset with you doesn't mean they stop loving you. If someone stops loving you because they are angry with you they don't love you. It is that simple.
We discussed my last relationship and how I'm not the same person anymore. She said she cant believe that I was ever like that. That I had ever let anyone mistreat me and disrespect me as much as I did him. I told her that at the time I didn't love myself at all and I was uncertain if I really liked myself. So, when I began to like myself and then love myself I began to realize so many things. I decided I wouldn't ever allow somoene to mistreat me again.
In his defense he did love me, but it wasn't enough. I was stupidly thinking that I could fill the hole with someone else's love rather than my own self-love. I kept looking for someone else to complete me rather than doing it myself. That doesn't mean he didn't do things that were unhealthy, we both did.
At least I know now that the relationship was unhealthy and I won't ever do that again. I've learned to recognize my triggers, and how to avoid the behaviors I usually practice. I'm getting better. That's what was more important to me.
