Occasionally we need reminders about the reality of a situation. Sometimes I forget what a blessing it is that Addison and I broke up.
I sit here and think “I’ll show him what a fabulous person I am and he will be sorry.” What a crock of shit that is. That man has ALWAYS felt I was inferior to him. That if I were thinner, better educated, more beautiful then, and only then, would I be worthy of his love and respect.
It took me a while to remember that I am a beautiful woman who was once happy. I was contented with my life. I was okay with being single and maybe not ever being married again. I was planning a life without a man but still having children. Odd that I let myself willingly be fooled by a slick talker. Desperation and fear make you do stupid things.
I look in the mirror and I am annoyed at myself that I have gained 13 pounds back of the 15 that I lost. Then I remember that sometimes life doesn’t happen the way you plan. Sometimes unexpected things happen. I’ve been sick for damn near three months. Only now am I convinced that I will be ready to start running by April 5th. I am excited about running. I am finally going to be getting somewhere with my fitness.
What I love about life without Addison is that I am not struggling to live up to his standards of beauty, education, brilliance, anything. The only standards I have to live up to are the ones I decide are important. I can say “fuck everyone else” and that’s just dandy.
I find it funny that when I mention to other West Indians I meet that I was involved with a Barbadian pieces they all sympathize with me. When I add he was a New Yorker they groan. I am wondering what the deal is. I remember Addison told me that most West Indians from other islands don’t like Barbadians because they were the “educated” ones who went to teach on other islands. This seems to have given them an air of superiority that the people from other islands find very irritating. Yeah, I can definitely understand that.
So, I have to remind myself that it is a great thing that my relationship with Addison ended. Sometimes things just end, and that’s okay. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone at all. I am a strong beautiful woman and if I am going to fall in love again I will. If not the world will not end. Yeah, I figured that out too.
