If life begins at forty I'm a bit behind.
My little brother, Jean, and his wife are expecting their first child in July. It will be a boy. They are so excited! I am very excited for them. They are just such wonderful people. I've been thinking of baby gifts and a mommy gift since he told me.
I have been sitting around feeling sorry for myself. My "problems" are of my own creation and can be fixed. If I weren't such a coward I would fix them. But I am a coward.
For two months I have been meaning to write K and apologize for not going to see Beckett since June. What the heck is WRONG with me? I keep thinking about it and putting it off. I don't want to send an e-mail because she's not the most diligent reader of e-mails. I want to write a letter. Okay, type a letter. My handwriting is awful.
I have let one person's view of my take over how I see me. I've allowed their view to diminish, not only my own view, but the way I perceive others look at me too. That is just so fricken pointless. It brings me nothing but misery. Once again, I've co-signed to my own misery. Not the brightest thing I've ever done.
I've come to a few conclusions. 1. He didn't know that his actions and statements were abusive and controlling. That one was very hard for me to swallow. I believed he knew. Someone said that he probably didn't know because that was what he saw in his parents marriage. His father belittled and controlled his mother. A clear case of like father like son. 2. He may have loved me the only way he knew how. Meaning he didn't know there was a better healthier way to love someone. It explains his bouncing back and forth between several girlfriends.
I am not a horrible person for doing what is best for me. That's how I feel sometimes, but I only have this one life. I don't want to be miserable all my life.
The meds are working but I have to do more on my own. The weather has not allowed me to exercise or make it to the gym. I'm a little frustrated by that. Not that I was exercising a great deal, but I had started to make progress in the run/walk thing.
Work is work. Neither good or bad. It just is. Last week I was out the entire week because of the weather (two blizzards in one week) and a family medical emergency. I am actually looking forward to getting back to work. That sounds completely insane!
I have started reading a book by H. H. Dalai Lama. It is called "The Art of Happiness." It beats "The Art of War!" I have not read very far but it promises to give me lots to think about. Being compassionate towards others will lead to happiness. It's a powerful concept.
I went to a website that showed what you can do to help in fifteen minutes, an hour, a day, etc. I looked at sending cards to sick children. Not get well cards, but cards that make them smile. Most of these children have serious diseases that they and their families have been dealing with for a very long time. They give you the names of their siblings and what their likes are as well so you can send them a card too. I am going to do that. I like the idea of putting a smile on someone's face.
So, I'm off to unsign what I've co-signed. I am going to face my fears (very scary) and deal with them appropriately. Nothing like being stuck in a rut you've been in at least twice before to get you moving in the right direction!
Peace.
