Each day I see a part of me change. I see myself growing into the woman I want to be. That is a funny thing for a damn near forty year old woman to be saying.
Last year around this time I thought I would begin my recovery from my codependency, get things straight, move to Orland to work things out with my ex-boyfriend. That was my goal, my focus. Little did I know I was still seeking validation and love from someone who couldn’t begin to fill that void. Forget whether he was capable or not because it has nothing to do with that. The only thing that matters is that I needed to fill that void.
I didn’t understand that without self-love, self-respect and self-worth I would never feel loved. I didn’t comprehend that because I thought I did love myself. However, if I had loved myself I wouldn’t have been trying to get blood from a turnip. I would have recognized what was going on instead of buying into the fantasy of what he could be, if only he were made of modeling clay.
There is a song by Deborah Cox called “It’s Starts With You” that really hits home with me. If I want something different for myself, if I want my situation to change, that change starts with me and no one else. My mother can’t change me. My ex-husband and my former lovers couldn’t change me. The only person who could change me was me.
I had to ask myself the tough questions, why the hell did I see validation from someone who I had so little in common with. Why was I with a man who I didn’t know and who didn’t really know me. Why did I let myself feel unloved and worthless? Okay, aside from being codependent why did I put myself in the same position I had when I was married?
So, my first step was to take responsibility for myself, my actions and my words. I had thought about apologizing to my ex-boyfriend for a serious lie I had told him, but I realized it wouldn’t matter to him. To him I was a worthless bitch who didn’t deserve to live on the same planet as he does. So, I apologized to him in a letter I never sent. I still have it to remind me that integrity is everything.
After taking responsibility for myself, I then learned I can chose my reactions. I have a choice in every situation I come upon. I can chose my reactions!!! I don’t have to be an emotional basketcase when adversity comes my way!! If I don’t agree with someone’s assessment of me I don’t have to be defensive!! It’s great!! Very liberating. No arguing and no feeling worthless.
I only have to live according to what I want. Okay, there are basic rules and morals I have to follow but I get to choose so much. There is a lot of freedom in not feeling the NEED to react to every little thing. If I feel that there is something I want to respond to, I do. If not, I don’t. I love it!!
