Okay, a lot has been going on since I last posted. Good thing no one I know reads this! :-)
I have been bumped down the food chain at my therapist's. I now am being weaned. I see her every other month. I go back in January after my vacation.
I am going on vacation to a place I've never been before with my friend Donna. We'll be in Texas and I can't wait!! This is the first time she has EVER been on vacation without her husband or kids. She's so very excited. I just need a break from here. BADLY.
Okay, for the fun stuff. Last Saturday I ran into a guy I used to sleep with. Can't call it more than that. John was just a booty call but I didn't realize it at the time. At the time I thought there was some potential there. Yeah, right. He was self-centered and arrogant. I can't say he still is twenty years later, but I didn't have any interest in getting reacquainted.
I was at the mall with my mother doing some holiday shopping. We had just finished and were leaving the mall when he came over and cut us off. I didn't recognize him immediately, but when I did I believe my reaction was very underwhelming. Hell, that's exactly what I felt, underwhelmed. Okay, it was funny because he was grinning like a Cheshire cat, but it was a bit sad because he felt the need to make his presence known. I usually avoid those types of situations. I just don't want to see them.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend I work with about Addison. She had never seen a picture of him. I couldn't believe it. I was so madly in love with this man and I hadn't shown her a picture? I remedied that. After I sent the picture I went to ask her if she had gotten it. She just looked at me and said he must have caught me at a weak moment. I told her it was more than a moment. She said I could do much better.
I have learned so much about myself in the past year. I've grown into a better woman. Hell, I've grown into a woman. I was a little girl for so long pretending to be a grown up, but now I am actually a grown up. I make choices that benefit me. I don't sacrifice myself for someone else. I value myself so I don't have to look to someone else to value me. It's been very liberating. I've come into myself.
For so long I looked to other people to give me value. Robert, Vaughn, Simon, Marcello, Craig, Addison. All along the problem was that I didn't value me. Whatever the reason was for my not learning to value me at some point I was supposed to grow out of that. It's like my emotional growth was stunted. But no one told me about the growing pains!!!
I had no idea all of the emotions I would go through to get here. The anger probably lasted the longest before acceptance was finally achieved. I stayed angry a very long time. I was angry at myself, Addison, my biological father, my adopted father, my sister. Then I accepted that those things helped me grow.
Now, I've got a dog. Yup, I've got a twenty-one month old beagle/pit bull. She's been bred and badly abused. I've been teaching her confidence and basic commands. I've not been consistent with her and that makes me a bad owner. Consistency is what she needs in discipline. She doesn't need me to feel sorry for her because she was abused.
I got a dog because I've been wanting one for a while. I didn't get one until now because I needed to heal and learn to love myself before I could love something else. They tell you when you are in recovery you should be alone for the first year. You can get a pet after a year because you are ready to take on that level of commitment, but nothing serious. Sometimes I could use a warm body for a few hours, but he needs to go the hell home. Unfortunately most of the men here don't want the woman to set the parameters of a casual relationship. They want to be players and most of them are HORRIBLE at it. I was a better player than them twenty years ago.
My father called me two weeks ago to tell me that Lance's grandmother had died. He was cross because neither I or my mother will return his calls. Basically we don't want to talk to him. I don't see any reason to and she isn't fond of him. Really, why would I talk to a man who had wished I had died? I'm not that person any longer. I don't like him and he brings nothing to my life. In a sense he's useless to me. So, not talking to him doesn't bother me at all.
I like who I am now. I would be proud to call me friend. Hell, I am proud to call me friend.
I had a moment today when I thought about being old and not having any kids. I wondered what would happen if I got sick. Then I quickly dismissed the thought. Hell, there isn't anything I can do about it, right? If my alternatives are two emotionally disturbed men it is better to be alone. Hell, I'd rather die in a ditch on the side of the road in a snow storm than be married to either of them.
I was watching the television show Twister Sisters on WE. I told my mother I would do that if I could take my father and sister with me. I would get them out of the truck after I put them in the path of a class three tornado. That's the only way I would do it. THAT would make it fun!!
